Sunday, June 28, 2009

Trader Joe's And Diet Talk

Bit of a warning before I write this blog. This post is a bit more serious and revealing then I usually write, but for some reason I kind of felt the need to write it. I've been viewing this blog as a way to be somewhat anonymously honest with others about myself and part diary, part writing exercises to help me get back into writing and drawing like I used to again. I know a lot of bloggers that write about eating disorders and such warn those with eating disorders of potential things that are discussed in their posts that might be triggering so I thought I would too. So with fair warning, read on.

Me and the sis went to Trader Joe's. The most excellent store I've ever been to. Besides the usual crap I get there I got pink lady apples which remind me of a hybrid of red delicious and granny smith, and honey flavored Greek yogurt. I see a lot of people using Greek yogurt in things and stuff like that and have never tasted it before until today. And holy crap! It was so freaking good I'm mad I didn't buy more. It's a lot thicker and creamier then regular yogurt and a lot more freaking awesome.

I also took the time to teach and talk to my sister about healthy eating and what's good some of the times and what's good a lot of the times to eat. She's a pretty quick learner and now knows what a serving size is. I never really intended to go this far with teaching her healthy eating, but she and I had a serious discussion the night before. She scares me sometimes with her obsession to be thinner. She always puts herself down for 'being fat' which actually isn't true. She's chubby yes, but that's because if I don't buy actual food, all we eat in this house is pizza and burgers and fries and hot dogs and junk. I hate the fact that my mom makes stuff like that a lot, it's not fair to my siblings to be eating so unhealthy, but I don't always have money to put out.

So when she was talking about being teased at school and how she hates the food here and how her father had talked about buying her a gym membership (she's 12) I decided we needed to talk. So we did. We talked about health and nutrition and how she doesn't need to diet, our family just needs to stop buying junk food. She is a very active girl involved in cheer leading and softball and such. I expressed my concerns to her about how she's always putting herself down and shouldn't do that. I even opened up to her about how I tried throwing up and starving myself when I was around her age to lose weight. I didn't really intend to open up to her that much, I was never diagnosed with and eating disorder, over eating always won no matter how hard I tried so I finally gave up. But I did. I told her the story about how I almost blacked out walking to the board in class to do a math problem because it was my fourth day not eating and how embarrassed I was when I had to go to the nurse and she forced me to eat lunch in her office while she monitored. About how shaming it was that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom until 15 minutes after I ate and when I did she listened at the door to make sure I was only peeing. I told her about the disgusting things I used to do like chew and spit and then if I gave in and swallowed a little of what I was chewing I would smack myself in the face or repeatedly punch myself in the stomach as punishment.

Of course as horrifying as that sounds, I injected humor into it, I didn't want to worry or scare her to much especially since I do not do those things anymore. I also was somewhat choosy in what I told her as nobody in my family knows but her, I did not touch on everything like my later addiction to self harm; I didn't see the need at the time. But I just wanted to get through to her so that she would understand how horrible the things I did to myself was and why I was so worried about her. I don't want my sister to grow up with the pain I grew up with. I want her to grow up differently, stronger with a better self esteem then I did. I want to give her a sense of inner strength so that when her brothers or the bullies at school, or our mom in a fit of anger or spite, picks on her for her weight it will not effect her as much as it did me. She will get through it better than I did.

I'm glad that she showed some shock and disgust at what I did. I know she's smarter than me and won't do that. But sometimes I still worry because I remember how I was treated by my parents and family growing up and how I'm still treated by them, especially my mom. She was always a huge factor in it. I want my sister to be smart enough that this time around...she will not listen to it and will be happier for it.

Hmm....this really gets me in the mood for writing now. I think I'll try my hand at some slam poetry on this topic, which is of course for another post. Sorry if this one was somewhat rambling. I didn't write it on paper ahead of time so I could fix and edit it. It was somewhat stream of consciousness.

Friday, June 26, 2009

More Thoughts On Michael

Now that I have more time to write on the subject and it is not 1am. Not sure how to start this post. I want to say something like, in a way I'm glad he's dead, but that just seems too cruel. On the other hand I'm not sure how to articulate it. Don't get me wrong, I am not ecstatic nor jumping from wall to wall over his death. That's not what I mean. Simply put, I am glad he is at rest and peace and would like to share my condolences for his family.

I'm not one of his biggest fans, nor have I really been that much affected by his fame like so many people have been. I'm just shocked actually that he's actually dead; more so on the way he died. To me he has always seemed like a tragic figure. He never had a childhood, was abused and his dad was a piece of crap. He had butt loads of money trouble in later years and had to deal with a society that did not seem to understand him and of course being a celebrity, the media that can turn on you on a dime. We're also not even going to touch on all the court cases.

It just seems to me like he's never been able to get a break, except for with his true fans. I've always felt so much sympathy for him.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

So I Think It Qualifies As A Conspiracy Now

Micheal Jackson is dead. This is like six dead celebrities in the past month or so. Who the hell is picking them off? I refuse to believe this shit is normal.

On the flip side however everyone I know is having babies and finding out they're pregnant. I'm feeling very left out. Even though I know I don't want to have any for a while, still; almost feel like I want to be part of the Mommy Club

*le sigh* I seriously am to young though, in my opinion anyway. And to poor, to irresponsible and to much of a partier right now. Not giving that up anytime soon. So no babies. In the meantime I'll spoil my siblings.

Cannot wait for tomorrow, grocery shopping time! And I get to do it so that means no more junk food in the house unless they buy it themselves. Woohoo!!

Monday, June 22, 2009



Was cruising BBW labeled photos in photobucket and came across this. I am now completely in love with this fucking photo. I think I'm going to put it on my myspace page.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Not much of a post here, but still. Thought just popped into my head. I always think it's so weird, when you start a relationship with someone that lives near you and you start going out places with them. You wonder how you've never seen them before since they're all the places you normally go to.

Then you break up and you wonder why you never see them anymore.

It's just so weird. When I was with my girlfriend (now ex obviously) I always wondered the exact same thing. When we went places I normally frequented I would sometimes be shocked only to have her go, "I come here all the time." or something of that ilk. Now I haven't seen her in about a year and a half. Not that I particularly want to...except on those days when I'm looking particularly super fine and just kind of want to rub it in her face should I ever see her.

No I'm not bitter, just evil. But it's still kind of weird. Especially how sometimes I can't help but look for her. No, also, I'm not regretting not being with her, just trying to prove my own point.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

We Don't Want Zombies On The Lawn

I need a computer that doesn't shut down every time I start a flash game or whatnot. This game is full of so much win. Plants Vs. Zombies. It looks really cute.

And has an awesome music video:

Friday, June 12, 2009

I Love Her Dearly, Not Queerly

I can be so traumatizing sometimes. My back gets sore sometimes from sitting all the time at my job and nothing does it better then cracking it. So when we don't get many calls I lie on the floor and let my friend/coworker Kaitlin step on my back. She thinks it's weird because she can actually feel my spine popping under her feet. I think it's hilarious and awesome because my back feels 100% better afterwards. And afterwards I do the same for her, only I'm a lot bigger then her so I use my hands or lightly step with one foot.

Apparently the only way to get her lower back to pop is if she arches her back by sticking her butt in the air and I press on the curve of her spine. It works, it just looks odd.

We were alone on the night shift last Saturday and my back started hurting. She cracked my back, so consequentially I cracked hers and have one of my shoes off because I was stepping on her in her white dress. (nothing like a footprint on a new dress to piss off a friendship). Both of us forget that Lorriane, our senior operator was coming in soon. She goes to arch her back and I reply, "I think it's so funny how your ass just pops up like that after I get done the top of your back."

Or really that's what I wanted to say, I stopped at the word "that" and look up and there she is standing in the doorway with an amused look on her face that just yelps "What did I walk in on?" Me and Kait can't stop laughing. There we are, I have one shoe off and one on and standing over her and her butt's in the air and since I'm about to crack her lower back it totally looks like I'm about to grab her ass. Nice one.

We're both amused at the thought that some of the office probably thinks we have either way to close of a friendship or some weirdo lesbian relationship that we consummate on our Saturday shifts when nobody else is around. And I know that the fact that I have a tendency to blurt things out without worrying about the way they sound or if they're too much information types of things does not help matters. Oh well, at least work is never boring with us. Which is great because work is boring.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Stolen Post

Stole this survey quiz from Toni at Modern day pioneers.

Outside my is dark and quiet and there are these loud white trucks with a yellow light on their top rolling by. I'm suspecting they are spraying for mosquitoes since a cloud of whatever follows them.

I am thinking... right now, of creative or avant garde ways to make my world a better place and spread peace.

I am thankful for... my siblings even if I don't always show it. I loves them.

From the kitchen... There are left over meatballs and sadly not enough salad.

I am wearing... My black, beat up shirt with the pink skull on it and baby blue pajama pants.

I am creating... a short story which will later be posted on here.

I am going... to go insane. My friend's forgot to call me again today and I'm starting to seriously think I am contracting cabin fever on my days off of work.

I am reading.... 'Farewell to Manzanar' which is a true story of a Japanese-American's family's experiences during and after the World War II internment. Well actually I start reading it tomorrow. Just got done 'The Mermaid Chair.' Awesome read.

I am hoping... to find a second job quickly.

I am hearing... the drone of the computer and air conditioner combining while watching street musicians on youtube play jazz.

Around the house... everything is quiet because every one's asleep. :D

One of my favorite things is... driving to new places....which I can't do. *pouts*

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fly Up

So today was our Fly Up ceremony for Girl Scouts. This is the last ceremony where people bring potluck and we give all our girls their badges and pins they have earned and some of them "fly up" into other troops (IE: a cadet will become a senior girl scout.) and some of them "bridge out" or leave us. Oy vay, was it somewhat disorganized, at least for me anyway. I have to start e-mailing the other leaders a day or two before our ceremonies and such to go over the little details beforehand.

I think we have one junior joining our cadet troop next year, I'm not sure, I know one of the cadets is joining our senior troop. And we lost a scout. Our Hanny girl has bridged out and is going to college next year. We will miss her badly, and she better visit us! I got to read the badges off that each girl earned this year for our troop. And good Lords and Ladies! I accidentally let out a low whistle when I went to read Hanny girls' badges. She earned like 20 of them, plus her bridge to adult pin.

The pot luck was excellent. I got to talk to Kait who came back to see her sisters get their badges. Poor thing had her jaw wired shut and had to sip tomato soup out of a straw. She asked me how my solid food was, haha! I still can't remember why she had surgery on her jaw, I think it was lock jaw, but I can't remember how she got it. If she wasn't talking directly to me, sometimes she was hard to understand.

We're having a summer camping trip and bringing the girls together again next Friday at my friend's grandma's house. She has this huge backyard with a sheep pen and we're going to sleep in actual tents this time. I hope I remember how to set one up.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Warm Fuzzy Game

Was on Burp and Slurp's blog and have decided to join the Warm Fuzzies Game. A kind of random acts of kindness game only blogified.

Game starts on June 8th. Go here to find out more about it and about participating. And you also get a cute logo to put on your page. Although I think I'm going to have to ask her to actually e-mail me the code or something. I had to put the pic in photobucket to get the code for it. >_<;

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sometimes I Think I'm Evil

My uncle JB might be dieing...and I couldn't be happier. When I was younger my grandmother never let him and me alone together, she told me that when she was younger he (who is her brother) did....very bad things to her....sexually, if you catch my drift. I have always loathed him and the very sight or mention of his name disgusts me. He's never tried anything with me and has always been sweet and kind to me. But I cannot forgive him for what he did to my grandmother.

I know grandma forgave him, or else she would never have let him in her house. But I can't seem to make myself care that this man is lying in a hospital bed in pain somewhere. I cannot care nor bring myself to be there for my worried family. I actively hope that he dies and cannot bring myself past apathy. I wish my grandma were still alive so I could talk to her. I don't know if grandma ever told mom what he did to her so I can't talk to her about it. Plus I think it would upset her.

I try so hard to at least pity him....but I can't. I feel kind of bad for feeling this way, and especially for actively hoping that he dies. But I just can't stop and forgive him.