Thursday, June 4, 2009

Sometimes I Think I'm Evil

My uncle JB might be dieing...and I couldn't be happier. When I was younger my grandmother never let him and me alone together, she told me that when she was younger he (who is her brother) did....very bad things to her....sexually, if you catch my drift. I have always loathed him and the very sight or mention of his name disgusts me. He's never tried anything with me and has always been sweet and kind to me. But I cannot forgive him for what he did to my grandmother.

I know grandma forgave him, or else she would never have let him in her house. But I can't seem to make myself care that this man is lying in a hospital bed in pain somewhere. I cannot care nor bring myself to be there for my worried family. I actively hope that he dies and cannot bring myself past apathy. I wish my grandma were still alive so I could talk to her. I don't know if grandma ever told mom what he did to her so I can't talk to her about it. Plus I think it would upset her.

I try so hard to at least pity him....but I can't. I feel kind of bad for feeling this way, and especially for actively hoping that he dies. But I just can't stop and forgive him.

4 comments:

  1. Don't feel bad at all. In a way you do have pity because you worrying about your feelings for him.
    Some people are lucky to have that much.

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  2. sweetie, we all have enough to carry around in our lives. Your grandma made peace with her burden and let it go. I dont think she would be happy to find you carrying it around now. I mean you can not like him. not trust him. but dont carry around a burden in honor for your grandma. it's sweet, but it's not healthy

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