Bit of a warning before I write this blog. This post is a bit more serious and revealing then I usually write, but for some reason I kind of felt the need to write it. I've been viewing this blog as a way to be somewhat anonymously honest with others about myself and part diary, part writing exercises to help me get back into writing and drawing like I used to again. I know a lot of bloggers that write about eating disorders and such warn those with eating disorders of potential things that are discussed in their posts that might be triggering so I thought I would too. So with fair warning, read on.
Me and the sis went to Trader Joe's. The most excellent store I've ever been to. Besides the usual crap I get there I got pink lady apples which remind me of a hybrid of red delicious and granny smith, and honey flavored Greek yogurt. I see a lot of people using Greek yogurt in things and stuff like that and have never tasted it before until today. And holy crap! It was so freaking good I'm mad I didn't buy more. It's a lot thicker and creamier then regular yogurt and a lot more freaking awesome.
I also took the time to teach and talk to my sister about healthy eating and what's good some of the times and what's good a lot of the times to eat. She's a pretty quick learner and now knows what a serving size is. I never really intended to go this far with teaching her healthy eating, but she and I had a serious discussion the night before. She scares me sometimes with her obsession to be thinner. She always puts herself down for 'being fat' which actually isn't true. She's chubby yes, but that's because if I don't buy actual food, all we eat in this house is pizza and burgers and fries and hot dogs and junk. I hate the fact that my mom makes stuff like that a lot, it's not fair to my siblings to be eating so unhealthy, but I don't always have money to put out.
So when she was talking about being teased at school and how she hates the food here and how her father had talked about buying her a gym membership (she's 12) I decided we needed to talk. So we did. We talked about health and nutrition and how she doesn't need to diet, our family just needs to stop buying junk food. She is a very active girl involved in cheer leading and softball and such. I expressed my concerns to her about how she's always putting herself down and shouldn't do that. I even opened up to her about how I tried throwing up and starving myself when I was around her age to lose weight. I didn't really intend to open up to her that much, I was never diagnosed with and eating disorder, over eating always won no matter how hard I tried so I finally gave up. But I did. I told her the story about how I almost blacked out walking to the board in class to do a math problem because it was my fourth day not eating and how embarrassed I was when I had to go to the nurse and she forced me to eat lunch in her office while she monitored. About how shaming it was that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom until 15 minutes after I ate and when I did she listened at the door to make sure I was only peeing. I told her about the disgusting things I used to do like chew and spit and then if I gave in and swallowed a little of what I was chewing I would smack myself in the face or repeatedly punch myself in the stomach as punishment.
Of course as horrifying as that sounds, I injected humor into it, I didn't want to worry or scare her to much especially since I do not do those things anymore. I also was somewhat choosy in what I told her as nobody in my family knows but her, I did not touch on everything like my later addiction to self harm; I didn't see the need at the time. But I just wanted to get through to her so that she would understand how horrible the things I did to myself was and why I was so worried about her. I don't want my sister to grow up with the pain I grew up with. I want her to grow up differently, stronger with a better self esteem then I did. I want to give her a sense of inner strength so that when her brothers or the bullies at school, or our mom in a fit of anger or spite, picks on her for her weight it will not effect her as much as it did me. She will get through it better than I did.
I'm glad that she showed some shock and disgust at what I did. I know she's smarter than me and won't do that. But sometimes I still worry because I remember how I was treated by my parents and family growing up and how I'm still treated by them, especially my mom. She was always a huge factor in it. I want my sister to be smart enough that this time around...she will not listen to it and will be happier for it.
Hmm....this really gets me in the mood for writing now. I think I'll try my hand at some slam poetry on this topic, which is of course for another post. Sorry if this one was somewhat rambling. I didn't write it on paper ahead of time so I could fix and edit it. It was somewhat stream of consciousness.