Today at Scouts we had the girls do an exercise about the masks that people wear as part of this whole understanding people, stereotype, journey badge thing. We had them draw a picture of their face on a piece of paper. On the front we had them draw a picture that reflected what they show to the outside world. On the back you had to draw a picture that reflected what you really feel on the inside.
One of my fellow leaders and friends drew a picture that showed her as happy and awesome on the outside while miserable and depressed on the inside. It was really horrible to see it put on paper how she feels about herself since she really is the talented, awesome person on the inside that she shows on the outside. It just sometimes sucks that people can not see themselves through the eyes of the people that love them. I'm sure it would give us all huge ego boosts.
Looking at her picture I also realized I had one of the sickest thoughts I've had in a long time. I was actually missing being depressed. You see when I was doing really bad, at least I knew I wasn't alone. I had my friends to lean on and it was kind of like 'Hey your life's shit, so is mine!! Woohoo!'. Sometimes it now feels like I'm on the outside of this club I am not a part of....and sometimes I want to be a part of that club; even though I know that's not right. It's such a hard thing to try and explain if you've never been through it before.
I know I can still relate and be there for my friends. I also don't mean to talk like everything is all peaches and fucking rainbows over on my end. Bad things still happen and I still have stress, I just deal with it better now and it doesn't get to me as much. I still get panicky and really paranoid from time to time as well, because I honestly don't really know and can't pinpoint what exactly happened to make the flip from horribly depressed to oh yeah I'm awesome, no thing's gonna get me down.
As for my picture, I only drew on the front. It was a picture of me looking forward with a sly smirk, happy and calm. On the back I wrote: "This is the first time in my life where my outside has correctly reflected my inside."