Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Am I Pretty

Do you really think I'm cute/pretty/good-looking?

That is the question, and it's various forms, that I got asked today while playing my new obsession, Farkle, online by some random guy. I guess I brought it on myself, he told me some jokes; I told him he was adorkable.

I always feel awkward when people ask me that. First off, it makes the preceding statement of even the slightest admittance of attraction feel like a lie. Second, I know I have really odd tastes. I always think that if these people even knew how askew my version of fuckable or cute was, they probably wouldn't be asking me that question.

I like personalities a lot more than I do actual looks most of the time. In the end, that's what really wins me over with someone. Then again on the other hand, it sometimes seems I just have a huge hard on for the uglies. Which is why as a child I had a huge, huge crush on the Crypt Keeper.

Yes, him....

I'd like to use the Jessica Rabbit excuse, he made me laugh

Although that confession just reminded me of a self-made awkward moment on the same topic about a year ago. I was in a car with my two friends, being driven to their house. I can't remember what the fuck we were talking about, but somehow to talk gets steered to horror movies and the fact that my Chicky friend likes Micheal Meyers, or liked him, I don't know. I told her not to feel bad, I used to have a horrible, weird crush on Freddy Krueger as a kid.

The car gets really silent. All of a sudden I hear my friend from the front seat go, "...The pedophile?".

You know the movies from what I remembered never really focused on that part, so I think I should be forgiven for forgetting that minute detail. Although tell me how ironic that is for an 11 year old to have a crush on a pedophile, unintentionally.

I'm too old for him now though, guess I'll have to keep looking....but I do hear that Crypt's still single.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Yes I know that technically it's 421, but in the spirit of 420 I made a top ten of people I would love to toke up with given the chance.

10. Robin Williams - Weed mellows you out, I just want to know what that's like with him.

9. Penn and Teller

8. Tommy Chong - As far as I know he's the only one of the two that still smokes (Keeping it real Tommy! Keeping it real!). Also he even has slang words named after him. Far out.

7. Cody Lundin - Star of Dual Survival, owner of manly pigtails and hater of shoes. He's just really hot to look at, even when you're spacey.

6. Woody Harrelson - He planted four hemp seeds in symbolic protest. Kind of bad ass, plus I loved him in Zombieland and countless other movies.

5. Jeff Bridges - I shouldn't have to explain this one.

4. Voltaire - No, not the french guy, the singer....OK the french guy too, why the hell not?

3. Jonathon Ian Mathers - Mainly out of curiosity.

2. Doug Benson - Because we all know 4:20 is his favorite time of day.

1. Bill Murray - I'm pretty sure this would end in an epic adventure, just saying.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I Guess I Also Support J.Crew

I was watching the Daily Show on Hulu today and I caught the headline about the whole J.Crew 'toemagedon' ad. I honestly think that the more Jon Stewart reports the news, the more our society's stupidity breaks his mind. I can only predict that in a couple of more years it will be less reporting the news and laughing at everyone else's idiocy and more of Jon sitting at his desk, shitting into his hand and plopping it onto his desk going, 'Here, here's your fucking news. Everyone....just go home.'

Painting a boy's toenails will no more 'turn' him gay or make him think he's a girl than letting a girl wear jeans instead of skirts or play baseball will turn her into a boy or a dyke (softball on the other hand...[on a serious note, is it just me or is that sentence oddly worded?]). Gender identity is nature, not nurture. The tragedy of David Reimer even lends credence to that claim. We are who we are in the end and nothing will change that.

You know, when he was still alive, my aunt used to paint the dog's nails red. Now I fear that in doing so, she confused him into thinking he was a human. That would explain why I caught him wiping after I let him out to pee that one time.

I would say more, but Jon stole all my jokes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

I Support Local Creepers

I found a new band and had my life flash before my eyes last night.

I got off of work at midnight and went to fill up my tank before going home. It was late and I was being a lazy fuck so I decided to pay with my card at the pump instead of walking the ...ten feet to the Royal Farms. I hardly get my gas cap off and my card out of my wallet when this guy appears out of nowhere from the front of my car. At first I thought he was kind of cute, but he had a really creepy smile that made him look like I was about to be drug into an alleyway and have my eyeballs skull fucked out of my head.

He starts coming closer and asks me if I listen to music. I say yeah and then he reaches into his pocket. Now I'm for certain I'm going to be robbed because this is all too creepy. I'm thinking about how my friend Jess Jess keeps telling me that the inner harbor is actually safer than the suburbs and how she's going to be proven right. Every Jackie Chan movie I have ever watched flashes through my head as I review exactly how I should back flip off the gas pump to get behind this man and choke slam him onto the hood of my car.

As I wonder whether I could indeed take a spray of mace to my face or a stabbing and still be able to kick some ass, he pulls out a CD. Turns out he's with a local band, called Chain Denial, they're selling their CD's for 1-2 dollars, whatever you feel like giving basically; do I want to buy one and give them a listen.

Whatever keeps my eyeballs in my head.

I buy a CD, he tells me about a gig they're doing in a week or so and tells me I should come, so I said I'd try.

Now I haven't been able to listen to the actual CD yet, but I found their channel on youtube. I didn't quite know what to expect, the guy told me they're bringing back actual rock music to the local band scene. Seems they're not huge fans of screamo (but they're so pretty and the men wear makeup!). They only have three videos up right now. And they're not really videos, just a picture of the band and the audio. Their music is straight up, really good. I don't know who I can compare them to, but I really like their songs and they have a good sound. They almost remind me of the rock sound from late 80's to early 90's era.

When you play the video, the first pic that pops up, on the far left of the screen is the creeper that almost got a *key punch to the face. He is their drummer and one of the singers and the man to the right and in the back of him is the bass player. He was also there, but wisely standing at the actual Royal Farms. I guess to go get help in case the creepy drummer accidentally scared a gas pumping chick and she decided to 'take back the night' all over his face.

I'm not sure how long the band has been together but I hope they stick around and make it big. I love local bands, but I seem to have the bad luck of liking the ones that fall apart early on in their careers. Like SWATH, Bleed the Dream and Mr.Black Hat. Awesome bands with really great sounds, I start to listen to them....and they fall apart in a year or two. I've started noticing that as much as I love the local talent and want more of it, that that's what sometimes sucks about it. Or it could possibly be me. Maybe I'm bad luck and should publicly hide my new found joy of Chain Denial's music for their sake.

So in closing, here is their facebook page:
Chain Denial's FB Page

They have a player on their page so you can hear more of their songs. I am loving 'Little, Dirty, Girl' right now. Like them, support a cool Baltimore band and tell their drummer he needs to tone down his creeper tendencies.

*For anyone wondering what a 'key punch' is, it's when you ball your keys in your fist so they're poking out through the fingers. I didn't know if that was self explanatory enough hence the asterisk...yeah...