Sunday, February 10, 2013

Anthropomorphized Resturaunts And Cocktails From A Deranged Mind

I was in the drive thru line for Wendy's before work when for some reason I started thinking about those stupid fast food mascots. I don't really think they actually represent the restaurant. So I made up some personification parallels that I think are better based on the food of the place in question.

 Right off the bat, Taco Bell is obviously the stoners. It's just fact. Everything is so laid back that all their food is the same, just labeled different things. And I would embed the video of Jim Gaffigan's Comedy Central Special where he makes the joke I just ripped off of him, but unfortunately I can't find it for you guys. Sad actually, it's really funny, it comes right after the joke about bottled water.

 Checkers I see as a woman who can pass for mid twenties but is actually late thirties. She would be dressed as a 50's waitress and slightly overweight. She smells like grease and old perfume and wears shoes painted to look like skates...everyone knows she can't skate. She may or may not be a ex con.

 Wendy's is the perky, young, gym goer. Kind of dumb and new at healthy eating, really interested in whether or not you're going to finish your fries, but really sweet.

 Burger King is kind of a bro. He's friends with Wendy's and his laugh is deep and dumb, but he's not. To tell you the truth, when I was thinking this up, I kind of saw Burger King as Joe Rogan and I'm not sure why. You think I would equate him with Taco Bell maybe, but I more readily equate Taco Bell with Carrot Top than him. Once again...I have no clue why. Welcome to my thought processes.

 McDonald's is the crack head in the dirty gutter asking you for change and eating out of the dumpster.

 KFC is the dealer.

I'm not usually too good with promises about upcoming posts when it comes to this blog, but I'm going to try really hard to come up with pictures for this shit.

 I was dicking around on StumbleUpon and came across Bar Meister. I love learning about new cocktails to try so this was a gold mine. I especially love the dirty sounding cocktails. Bartenders would probably hate me more if I didn't tip well, but I'm OK with that.

 I found some really weird named, but good sounding, cocktails and learned how to actually make my favorite, the Red Headed Slut. I was trying to see if they had a cocktail named Vampires Kiss Goths (It was a special once at a Goth club here in Baltimore, but I was underage at the time combined with being too shy and pussy to play 'Hey Mister'). That is when I stumbled on the weird and slightly creepy cocktails of a user (or patron as the site calls him) named Hephestos. Almost all of the cocktails under his name are very long in name and equally odd sounding. I also want to try almost all of them.

For instance the 151 Canadian Vampires Hypnotized By The Hamburglar In A Cherry Red Corvette.

It's 1 1/2 oz. of Bacardi 151
1 1/2 oz. of Hypnotiq
1 1/2 oz McNaughton's Canadian Whiskey
2 oz Players Extreme Cherry Infused Vodka

I'm not quite sure how this would taste as I've never had Hypnotiq or the Canadian whiskey, but I know I need this inside me. There's a couple of recipes involving these Canadian vampires getting up to odd mischief and I want to try every single one of them.

Some of the titles are just perplexing though. There is the 44 Schwoogies Running From The KKK. Which sounds vaguely racist, mostly because of the KKK at the end that these schwoogies are running from. I feel like the name should somewhat offend me, but I have no clue what that word means and am slightly afraid to look it up.

It has 2 oz 44 Vodka
1 3/4 oz Black Sambuca
1 1/2 oz Half and Half

I've never had Sambuca before, but it has vodka in it so I already want to put it inside my mouth.

There's also the French Whore In An Orange Gucci Gown Eating A Baconator By The Mexican Mafia Headquarters, which sounds like it should be some sort of scene in a Quentin Tarantino film.

Sex on the Beach with QBert and Darth Vader As A Naked Fat Japanese Guy Masturbates In The Surf. I ... I just..I...wait, what? Obviously the role of Q Bert will be played by Ron Jeremy.

 Unconscious in a Turkey Pen with a Potato Shoved Up Your Ass For 7 Hours. .....Aaaaand I'm done.


  1. Those drink names, yo. The Sex on the Beach one made me laugh. Oh, and not all Taco Bell food is the same. They have that one thing with the Doritos and I don't know.

    1. Taco shells made out of doritos, while delicious sounding, is just the type of highdea that solidifies my point, lol.

  2. Really? McDonalds is the crackhead in the gutter? McDonalds is the Columbian druglord being fanned by naked Brazilian models in his cabana why his product reaches around the globe causing joy and misery. another sense, the sense of how common it is, it's that really boring average girl in homeroom who's mouth is always running about completely inane things. Also, what is Checkers?

    1. XD I love your take on McDonalds. But I thought Columbian drug lords had the good shit.

      Checkers is this drive thru only place that has a checkered flag and really good tasting food, but eating it actually make you *feel* greasy, lol. You know, now that I think about it, I think Checkers is more likely to be a Nascar fan. Sonic would probably be the roller skating 50's looking chick. Checkers is the only place I know of around here that sells chili cheese dogs...well except for 7-11.

  3. These are hilarious ~~ Here, I did see a Mexican Vampire Kiss. I'll have to go back and see the original Spanish. There's a cartoonish pic to help ID said drink . . . the place is called Benito's and they have a giant live fig tree in the middle of the inside of the main section, with dozens of offbeat piñatas dangling onto people's heads.


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