Saturday, February 2, 2013

My Punky Coloured Hell

Amazon won't let me post my review of Jerome Russell's Punky Colour hair dye in Fire red. Something about vulgarity and to many words. So I thought, fuck it I have a blog. Here is my unpublished Amazon review in its entirety.

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I'm only rating this three stars because I know that this product works for other people. I have seen their gorgeous, alternative movie star hair glistening in the sun and mocking me with their ability to hold fast onto even the shittiest of semi permanent hair dyes. I have a friend who used Punky Colour's Alpine Green over dark brown hair with blue dye in it without bleaching first. It came out exactly like the website's hair model and never washed out. It was beautiful and amazing looking. I'm still not sure how she did it but I'm certain Satan has one more soul to add to his growing collection.

This, however, was not to be my hair fate and the story I am about to relay is a case of Caveat Emptor.

I woke up somewhat early for me, being as I work the night shift at my job. Miraculously there were no siblings or parents stumbling about the house. The only creatures that were inhabiting my house were my two dogs and I. I had a quiet and peaceful lunch, danced around like a silly goof to some Die Antwoord, and sipped some tea while watching Tales From The Crypt. To slightly paraphrase Ron White, 'It was a good day, Tater.'

As the episode ended and Wil Wheaton's frat buddies got eaten by some ghoulish sorority sisters dressed like Kelly Bundy I thought, 'Hey! Why not dye my hair today?' I went upstairs and brushed out my curls. I rubbed a thin layer of Vaseline around my hairline and all over my ears. I snapped on my latex gloves and unscrewed the tops of the hair dye. It smelled like perfume and looked like blood. I was in heaven and my head smelled like fruit salad. So far, so good. The bottle said it would most likely only have a highlight effect on dark hair. With my friend's prior experience and the fact that my half ginger hair was blond at the overgrown roots, I was certain my experience would be nothing short of spectacular.

After cleaning up what little splotches there were in the bathroom (which came up really easily) and throwing away my gloves, I sat on my bed and passed the thirty minutes by watching some TV. Halfway through my parents and siblings came back. I couldn't wait to show my sister as she helped me pick out the color. With my waiting time up I made my way to the bathroom, stopping momentarily to let my sister smell my head. We both agreed that this dye would make an awesome body spray.

I hopped into the shower and began rinsing out the dye. After a minute or two I opened my eyes to see how much more was in my hair......and oh Gods......no. No....no, no, no, no, no, pink....pink, why was everything pink? Did I buy the right color? Oh I know I bought the right color. That shit said fire on it and was as red as coagulated blood. So why was everything pink? And not just any pink, but bright Hawaiian Punch Lemon Berry Squeeze pink. I looked around in wide eyed disbelief. It looked like I had seduced the Koolaide man into joining me in the shower and then bludgeoned him to death. My hands were now stained from simply washing my hair. I quickly washed whatever else was left in my hair and hopped out into my towel.

It was in my towel that I spent the next 30 minutes scrubbing the tub bottom and walls with a rag trying desperately to hide my pink colored shame. In the back of my head I could hear Lady MacBeth's famous lament, 'Out, damned spot! Out I say!' I don't know what that bitch was so worried about. All she had was murderous blood on her hands (spoiler alert?), I was covered head to toe in blotches and streaks of Jerome Russell Punky Colour in "Fire". I stood up and looked at the still pink tub. I had gotten a good 75-80 percent of it from just elbow grease and scrubbing alone. I looked down at the green bath mat, oh great, pink foot prints. I may be in my 20's but I was damn certain my mom was going to beat me with a broomstick.

I turned to face the mirror and finally see my hair for the first time since this ordeal began. I reached out with my hand to wipe the fog away, my inner mantra chanting, 'Just let it be worth all this, just let it be worth it.' I cleared the mirror and.....oh you have got to be shitting me! Not one goddamn hair on my fucking head was dyed. My now pinky blond roots shed tears of mirth as they laughed at me. The rest of my head was the same color red as before just a bit brighter. My ears, neck and shoulders were a different story. Half of my face was dyed in the style of the Phantom Of The Opera if he were based out of San Francisco. My stomach is pink and for some reason my back has a pink splotch that looks like a fucking cape. I can only imagine it's from where my hair laid on my back as I washed it.

Curiosity fulfilled and annoyance rising, I gathered up my discarded clothing and now pink rags and threw them into the hamper before scurrying to my room. My mom was actually OK with the pink tub. Most likely because she hasn't noticed the bath mat yet, the rest of the dye actually came off the tub quite easily with some spray on cleaning stuff she has in the hall closet, and I had to resort to using a kitchen scouring sponge in the shower to get some of the dye off me. Now I'm still pink, though not as much as before and clothing hides the rest, and she won't quit reminding me that I look like an Oompa Loompa despite the fact that they were orange.

Tl;dr
This dyed everything but me and stains tubs very easily. Some cleaner and elbow grease will help. However I know this has worked better for other people so I'm giving it three stars. Just because I had a shitty time doesn't mean you will too. I would do the smart thing and do a strand test first to see how it interacts with your hair and not just go all gung ho on your head.

4 comments:

  1. Do you have photos? I know your experience was rather 'horrifying', but I'd love to see how it turned out! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really wish that I had the presence of mind to take any pictures that day. But no, I didn't. :( Sorry.

      Delete
  2. All of the semi perm dyes (manic panic, punky, special effects ect) work best in very clean, unconditioned, processed hair. Also, leave it on way way longer than the container says. I'm talking four or five hours. When you rinse, use cold water and no shampoo. Just conditioner.
    There's tons of info out there about making these colors take and stay.

    ReplyDelete
  3. All of the semi perm dyes (manic panic, punky, special effects ect) work best in very clean, unconditioned, processed hair. Also, leave it on way way longer than the container says. I'm talking four or five hours. When you rinse, use cold water and no shampoo. Just conditioner.
    There's tons of info out there about making these colors take and stay.

    ReplyDelete

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