I have absolutely no concept of time. I can tell time, to be sure, I just don't quite have a concept of time. Things that happened two months ago I can sometimes mistake for happening two years ago and vice verse. I like to blame it on a spell I did years back in college to make time go faster, but to be honest I've been shitty with time for forever and a day. Two years, eleven months, and twenty eight days ago (or at least that's what the e mail told me) I sent a letter to myself through Future Me. I completely forgot about it because I thought it had been past the almost three year mark and the e mail never went through. Surprise of all surprises when my cellphone dings on my way back from a birthday brunch with a new e mail and I open to find this:
First off, Happy Birthday! What is it like knowing you are one year from 30?
Aww thank you past me...well...ummm kind of not happy about that last part.
Secondly, we *are* still alive right? What happened on December 21st of 2012? Also tell me you didn't let this year go by without a kickass birthday party. I mean, the apocalypse was the next fucking day for chrissakes. How many people acted like idiots and did you get nervous at all when the clock struck midnight and it was technically the next day when the world was supposed to end?
Well that's morbid. Oh wait, right right, the whole rapture thing that happened.
Secondly part B, did you laugh at the people that thought the world was going to end even though you yourself were having a secret anxiety attack all day and stayed up until half past midnight when it was technically December 22nd?
Secondly part C, that will be our little secret. ;)
Maybe I worried a little bit. I'm a pagan and back then I was border lining atheism, you know my ass isn't going up with any of you God fearing Christians should the rapture come.
Third, for the love of all that is fucking holy tell me we at least finished writing a book, doesn't even have to be sold yet, just finished. Just one and we'll be happy...or at least I will...or you will because you are now me even though I am now you talking to the future then me listening to the past then you..... >_> Also did we ever quit that stupid ass telephone secretary job or get another one that is even better? Seriously, that place sucks, don't tell me that you somehow stuck it out for another three fucking years dudette; I mean damn.
Well I certainly set some lofty goals for myself. Actually I am almost finished a book of flash fiction, I just really need someone to edit it or help me edit it. There also is that embarrassment of a short story on Kindle.
No I have not quit my stupid ass secretary job. In fact I am blogging from it right now and dodging phone calls from a stupid teen prank caller who has set it upon themselves to tell me how much of a 'fat ass' and a 'nigger' I am, despite never having actually seen me (not that it would make it better, it just adds another layer of ignorance and stupidity). Ahhh, youth. This has to be karmic payback for all those times I prank called sex phone hot lines when I was six. Maybe a bit older. I don't know, I was in elementary school.
Also on the topic of work and progress, how is your blog doing?
Not that bad truth be told. Could use more readers and updates but I'm working on that. Really it comes down to the updating most likely. Can't read something that's not there.
Fourth, did you ever take that vacation in October of 2012? I know you suck at doing shit and saving money. If you didn't, fucking shame on you! That would have made 4-5 Samhain's we didn't do anything for.
I would have but Hurricane Sandy decided to come in and literally rain on my parade. Lesson learned. In hurricane season I most likely might want to stop trying to go to places located on the east coast like Salem and Boston, both of which had to be evacuated if I remember correctly. I should be remembering that correctly because I lost half of what I paid for the hotel room. I was so desperate to get the hell away from everyone I was hell bent on driving through a hurricane to get a 416 mile buffer zone. Sadly that never happened.
Fifth, have we changed at all in the past three years? Have you grown to become the person you wanted to be? Are you more happier now? Have you moved into your own place and are you healthier both physically and mentally? Did you ever figure your shit out spiritually?
I mean, all in all, what kind of person do you think you've become?
Getting super deep past me, yeesh. Why do I ask myself loaded questions?
I think I have changed. While I'm still stupid as hell, I've become a bit more mature and am learning to forgive and move on more and more. I'm also working on controlling my anger and getting rid of my anxieties.
The last part is kind of hard because I don't have money or insurance to see a doctor or anything. The shitty insurance I did have ran out. I would like to see some sort of therapist to be honest. The title of this blog is not really a lie. There is a high chance I have undiagnosed ADD and my inability to concentrate and pay attention is affecting my life, so I would like help with it in some way, but I kind of have to do what I can by myself. It sucks but what can you do? I just deal with it.
I am getting better mentally and physically, so that's good. I am in the process of getting rid of my debt through bankruptcy so I can start saving to get my own place. The good thing is my credit has always been either not there or kind of crappy. The bankruptcy isn't hurting much because I've never owned a credit card and I've always had to find ways to get around that. I came from nothing, I went below nothing because of the debt, now I'm going back to nothing. Nothing I can deal with. Crippling medical debt, not so much.
Almost embarrassing to say I am still in the process of figuring my shit out spiritually. I am still a pagan so at least that is figured out. I'm just not quite sure of the path I am taking. So far I've nailed it down to some sort of eclectic pagan with Norse pagan leanings. But who knows? I don't think we're ever really done learning and growing in a sense. People have changed spiritual paths late in life after spending their whole lives devoted to one. Shit happens, man.
All in all, I think I am on my way to being the type of person I envision myself being. Just not quite there yet. Which is ok.
Also did we ever find a red hair dye that gives us the color we want while being permanent?
I am partial to Garnier Nutrisse number 66 True Red Pomegranate. It's very pretty. My acquaintance had an even prettier red, I just can't remember what it was right now. None of that truly matters though because I am in the process of growing my hair out so I can bleach it white and dye everything but the bangs/fringe teal.
If that looks to blech, I'll go back to red.
Sixth, whatever happened about that day at the beach? Remember? The deer, the cat and the star? (Hey, that sounds like a neat name for a book!)
This is referring to the time I went to the beach near my grandmother to ask the Gods for help for a friend who had cancer and was going through a hard time. On my way there I saw a baby deer cross the road, saw a bunch of cats near the beach where I was doing the offering, and after I was finished I witnessed a shooting star. Long explanation short, all good omens.
Before the year was out my friend was in a new relationship with someone she truly loves, is in a better frame of mind, and is doing well with her cancer and its treatment. I don't really talk to her much now a days, if at all, but I'm happy for her.
And it totally sounds like a good name for a book. Sounds like a title C. S. Lewis would jive with.
I shall catch you on the flipside.
I am a dork of the highest degree.
Just realized how odd that is to end the letter like this, of course I'll catch you on the flipside since I am you, but then again that'd be kind of hard unless you made a time machine and we could hang out together.....Hey! did we make a time machine!!??
Very lofty goals.
Also, has Jeremy ever tried contacting you? Please tell me you were smart and strong enough to say no and enough was enough. I mean we have gotten over his ass right? Because he was a fucking douche.
Yes he is a douche and he is gone for good to be a douche to some other poor unsuspecting person...just not this person who is blogging.
Speaking of SO's...are we still a virgin? Because this is a long time to remain a virgin. I'm not judging you or anything, but I honestly think that if you still have your V card, well....you're just doing this for shits and giggles now aren't you?
I've never found the right man, honestly. I also sometimes think that as the years go by I just get gayer and gayer....then a really cute guy walks by (or is that bi? Haha.). I might stay a virgin when it comes to men forever. Que sera, sera.
Oh and also....visit Penny's dad. I mean that's going to get to you three years too late, but you know what I mean. I know you're going to dwell on it now that it's written out and do it...right?
Ok..I'm seriously going to go now.
Love and peace from the past.