Thursday, November 27, 2014

This Has Nothing To Do With Thanksgiving

For Trevor's birthday his father had gotten him a metal detector. Little Trevor had jumped up and down hugging the box and shouting 'Thank you!' at the top of his lungs. Although he loved having his friends over, he could hardly wait for them to leave so he could play with his new toy.


With only close family left to catch up with each other and his friends gone, his father finally allowed him to go outside with his metal detector with a warning to stay in the yard. Bundled up in a warm coat and with a small spade in his free hand, he dawdled at the tree line towards the end of the yard until he knew nobody was watching him. Trevor loved the woods. He knew there had to be treasure in there, and who ever heard of treasure being buried in backyards.


Fifty feet from his house his detector sounded off. Trevor set to work digging at the earth with his spade. A mere foot under the dirt, just before Trevor gave up, his spade glanced off something metal. It was a small box. The boy's face lit up as his little fingers pried open the rusted top. Inside was a sheet of paper covering the contents of the box, it read: "To all the girls I've loved before." He removed the paper and immediately dropped the box back into the hole. Inside were five fingers, now nothing more than bone. Each one was adorned with a wedding band.
***


A short horror story for you to read on Thanksgiving. Sorry for any errors, but food is calling me and it's more important than editing right now.


Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope all the annoying and rude people in your life get a turkey coma long before you do so you can have some respite today.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Shit My Scouts Say

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I was supposed to take a hiatus from my troop, and largely that's been true, but I keep finding myself coming back to meetings and camping trips to help out.


One camping trip last year I wrote down some choice few quips that are pretty good at showing just what a leader has to deal with.


About to leave for camp


Me: Alright, time to go.
K: Wait, pop your trunk! I left my sonic screw driver in there!


After getting said screw driver, getting back in and buckled up, car is in reverse and I barely have my foot on the gas -
C: Wait! Can I also get something from the trunk?


On the way to camp


R: I predict that one day we will have a whole nation of kids named Derp and Derpina.


C: Six kids in the world are named Nimrod.


K: I don't like to think of them as ladybugs, I like to think of them as gender-fluid bugs.


*C taps me on the back*
Me: What?
C: She sells seashells by the seashore.
Me: Well I'm certain she does.
C: No, can you say it?
Me: She sells seashells by the seashore?
R: What sorcery is this?


*One of them pinches me while I'm driving*
Me: What is it? What's wrong?
Kid: Nothing, I'm snapping. That was me snapping my fingers.


At camp


*A group of Daisies come over to the table where me and another scout, Kat, are sitting.*
Daisies: Can we have the candy in this egg we found?
Kat: No! *throws candy into the trees*
Daisies: *bring egg back* We got it!
Kat: *Throws it again*
Me: You are not allowed to play fetch with the little ones!


C: Why are the fireproof gloves so short?
*Puts them on and then proceeds to say 'little nub fingers' in three minute intervals*


Even as I was writing that I got a hand in my face with a 'little nub fingers!'


*I'm sitting at a picnic table with marshmallow, chocolate, and graham crackers next to the fire waiting for the kids to get done their singing so I can help some of the younger ones make s'mores. Across is another leader. One of my kids comes over quietly to ask beg for a marshmallow.*
Me: I feel like I'm doing a drug deal, just with marshmallows.
.....Should I have said 'drug deal' in front of the kids?


*The kids are singing a silly version of the song Barges*
R: If it's domestic violence I think we should call the cops, not envy them.


R (who has had just enough of this singing crap): Why do they make the kids wait for food? I mean, it's good to wait and all, but this is freaking s'mores we're talking about.


*Daisy follows running after me*
Wait, wait! I have something to give you!
Me: Ok, what is it?
Daisy: Here, it's my swap.
*Cue all the children literally throwing swaps at me after seeing I pinned them to my jacket*




 photo image.jpg
It was pretty cute.


Last day of camp


Early in the morning
K: GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!


*While we wait for various parent helpers to come with extra transport, along with parents that are picking kids up right from camp, some of the Brownies and Daisies decide they want to hear ghost stories. Some of us leaders and the older scouts take turns telling them stories. Finally Kat starts to tell about Bloody Mary. *
Kat: And if you say her name three times in the mirror, she'll come to get you!
Brownie M: No she won't! I've tried it before and nothing happened.
Kat: Well did you have all the lights off and three candles lit?
M: Yes. I've read all the tales, I know what I'm doing, it's bogus!
Me: I can't breathe.


Kat: One time my family, my brother, and I went to a ghost tour of an insane asylum. And we went in a room where we heard screams and gunshots and no one was there. And there was this other room with a flickering light. And then, guess what happened!
All the kids huddled together say in unison: You died?!
Kat: What?


Random Leader: Alright, time to take things to the car.
Kids: Wait, are the stories real?
Jessie: Yes they are, now go.
Random Daisy: No they're not!
Jessie: No they're not, now go.
Kat: Well some are, and some aren't.
Me: It's a crapshoot either way, now go!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Reality Shows I'd Like To See

I dick around way too much when I'm actually supposed to be doing things and these ideas were the results. I really hate reality shows. I'm not sure I've ever watched one that I genuinely liked and stuck with it besides Kathy Griffin's show. Even that one I stopped watching as time went on. Somewhat odd when you think about the fact that I like spoofs of reality TV like Trailer Park Boys. However, if these shows were on, I might think about giving reality TV another shot.


A Walking Dead reality show:


There should be a show like survivor crossed with the Walking Dead, just without all the voting people out crap because I couldn't care less how many of your team members hate Joey. I have no clue how you'd work out the weapon system with zombie actors and such, especially since weapons can have more than one use like a knife. If you had a fake knife you can't really cut something with it if you needed to, so maybe there should be 'in game' weapons you could only use like a nerf bat or something. I don't know.


It would also be neat to insert some of the characters from the Walking Dead world or some composite character based off of those characters for people to run across. However considering there are people like the Claimers and such it would probably have to be toned down a lot.


The Purge:

Kind of like the above in a sense. It would work something like paintball with nerf bats and things like that thrown in.  People would be randomly dropped on the playing field designed to look like a small city or town and you have to take each other out over the course of the next 12 hours, or however long the purge was in the movie. I forgot, I'm going to be honest. If you survive the length of the Purge, you win 10,000 dollars and a cruise, because cruises sound fucking awesome.


Which Are You Better At Surviving?


Sometimes I daydream about apocalypse scenarios, or whatever, when I'm bored at work or watching something like Dual Survival. It gets me thinking. If something were to happen and I had to get out of dodge, would I actually make it? And what scenarios could I best survive in?


That's what this show would determine. The environments would be broken up into three groups: Hot, Cold, and Urban. So basically a hotter than normal environment, one that's cold, and a city type place. You have a week in each. Get injured or can't go on for some reason, you're out. Then you get like a week to recuperate from each. That would just be crazy to keep plunking you down in different places with no adjustment.